10 tips for participatory parenting when divorced
When parents decide to divorce, questions arise about how to deal with their children. Divorce has many consequences that require careful thinking, the most important of which is raising children.One woman says that she does not trust her ex-husband or his educational abilities. It is true that building trust takes time, especially after a divorce, but we should remember that children need both parents. Parents may stop loving each other and disagree on many things, but they certainly love their children and wish them prosperity.
Children will gain many benefits from participatory education, which are manifested in their good academic performance, the soundness of their relationships, their adaptation to various circumstances, their psychological stability and the positiveness of their bond with both parents.This is what all parents strive for, and what children need to thrive, so it is necessary to put the needs of children above the feelings of parents. Research has shown that the persistence of conflicts between parents after divorce is the most harmful factor for children, so I offer you 10 tips to maintain a successful participatory education:
- Understand that children need the love of both parents and accept that, even though most parents are not idealistic. The exception is when violence, harassment or emotional abuse has occurred.
- Respect the pivotal role played by the partner in the lives of children. Both partners guide the children on how to act in difficult circumstances through behavioral examples that they set themselves and that the children emulate.They both share their beliefs and values - even if they differ on some – about how to treat others, build secure and honest relationships, solve problems, communicate effectively with respect, and heal hurt feelings.Respectful dialogue must be shown when communicating with the divorced; Children may listen to the conversation, avoid difficult arguments when children are around, and remain friendly by saying “hello” and “good evening.”
- Seeking as much similarity as possible in the two home systems For children, it is not necessary that the two systems be identical, although this may facilitate the task. Attention should be paid to basic matters such as commitment and good behavior, and there is no problem in disagreeing on simple matters, such as:Bedtime, tablet usage times, and homework. Maintain a consistent educational schedule, and show flexibility when necessary.
- Children should not be employed in espionage, and they should not be treated as allies against a free-lancer. This can easily happen without the parents’ awareness, so be careful if your children start to play a mischievous role like this.It may start when telling the children about the divorce, and it is not desirable for the children to know the details of the divorce, its reasons and financial arrangements; This may generate anxiety in them and push them to play a harmful role such as an ally or a spy.
- Do not speak in a negative form about the divorced person, but rather talk about good things if possible, such as: You inherited your talent in mathematics from your mother! One of my auditors once told me, “I need to remind myself always to love my children more than my ex-husband.”
- View education as a joint venture between parents. The two partners should discuss issues of education every period, such as upcoming events, the situation of the children, and the desire to amend the schedule, with the conversation focusing on the issue of children.
- Listen carefully and seek compromise when problems arise. When a dead end is reached, a psychotherapist or mediator should be seen; To help resolve the dispute before it turns into a conflict.Disagreements between fathers are one of the most harmful things to children, even if they are hidden from them. They feel it when embracing the parents and through the looks and tone of voice between them.
- Constant coordination with the divorced to find out the conditions of the children.share news when changes are intent, such as moving to a new home or getting married, before informing the children; Because this suggests to the children that their parents are in one team, work and communicate together, and do their best to provide their children with the best possible support to be happy in their lives.
- Sharing special moments such as children’s birthdays and parents’ reunions at schools without stress; This increases the peace of the children. Some parents send photos and news to each other to share special moments about the kids, like a video an acquaintance sent her ex-husband showing her son learning to ride a bike.Children’s successes should be celebrated even after a divorce.
- Using a common electronic calendar, and placing the children’s schedule on it, their medical appointments, after-school activities, playing days, and the days of school assignments… The calendar should be filled out and updated, as it is one of the most successful means of communication between parents.It may be helpful for older children to see the calendar as this will help them stay well organized.